He came back to haunt me

It was his vague passage in my life that taught me the precipices of depression. How a man with eagerness for adventure could be destroyed by his very own escapades. Not because he wasn’t strong enough to face the ordeals of living on the brink of conflict zones but because internalising what he saw was nothing he could have anticipated. Or desired really; who initially knows what they’re getting into before they jump?

Here was the key to our spark. Wanting to nurture the pain he bore and as a hopeless romantic I delved into being superwoman. I obviously failed because the course of our encounter ended in one, brief phone call.

I was tempered with his need for reassurance, his need to follow my moves and pin point which ones weren’t under his moral woos. The despair of not finding the courage to face the drama and its consequences lead me elsewhere. Not a new path but a continuance of what I knew best; my way.

This endued walks within the later hours of the day, in and out of waken consciousness, for the tastes which tickled my urges where wet with liquor and its own urges. Tranquillity solely accompanied the phased out moments during which I treaded on shallow waters, they weren’t realism; they were delusion.

Yet this delusion exposed me to another game; a male’s passport to infringe the female gaze. For as tempered as I had been, naivety seldom left my veins. I got carried away by the subliminal messages I in turn converted into what appropriated me; or even what could quench the thirst of my dreaming moments.

In love you cannot call it. Nor could you say there was any rationality for the obsessive recording of the facts. The loose screws were perhaps why my armour could not hold it together.

“Words are the last thing on the list”. Whatever moved us to sway on the same frequency was based on trial and consequently error. I had no say in this trial, of course. That would have shied the game from having any conviction.

 

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About Melissa Hekkers

I am freelance journalist and author, who has frequently been featured in mainstream news outlets and other publications in Cyprus. Recently, I've been focusing on developing my writing, promoting my own books and teaching creative writing to children and adults. My most recent publication (2020) - Amir's Blue Elephant- pushes the boundaries of creative non-fiction, and recreates the moments that marked me the most, whilst volunteering in refugee camps in Lesvos, Greece, and during her ongoing involvement with the refugee community in Cyprus. In 2018 I published My Capre Greco Mandala which is the third in a series, an interactive colouring book about the biodiversity of the Cape Greco peninsula in Cyprus. My Akamas Mandala, the second in the series, is a colouring book inspired by the variety of endemic plants found on the Akamas Peninsula. In 2016, I published My Nicosia Mandala, the first of the above series, an innovative, interactive colouring book about the historic fortifications of the old town of Nicosia. I also focuses on silenced communities in Cyprus: I writes about migrants and refugees, both as a reporter and a features writer; I profile them and teach them creative writing skills. In 2007, soon after graduating with a Communications degree, I published my first children’s book in both English and Greek entitled Crocodile, which won the Cyprus State Illustration Award. In 2012, I launched my second children’s book Flying across Red Skies (in English and Greek), using an experimental approach to literature, for which I was nominated for the Cyprus State Literary award. My third, similarly well-received children’s book was Pupa (Greek and English), published in 2014. In between the last two books, I published my first free-verse poetry book entitled Come-forth. In 2019 she was contributing author to the anthology Nicosia Beyond Barriers: Voices from a Divided City, published by Saqi Books, London